A Wingman's Woes
by Bloble
Summary: <html><head></head>Tohno Shiki has faced life-threatening foes, absolute peril, and the depths of insanity. His best friend, the completely ordinary human called Arihiko Inui, faces a different but no less dangerous ordeal: Getting a girlfriend. It's unfortunate for him that all the girls he knows are far from normal.</html>
1. Chapter 1

"Tohno, I need a girlfriend."

Shiki Tohno spat out the milk he'd been in the middle of drinking, coating Arihiko Inui and most of the school roof in saliva. "What!?" He coughed, his eyes wide, either from disbelief or his anemia acting up again.

"A girlfriend, Tohno. Don't tell me your hearing's going, too?" Arihiko said as he cleaned off his uncharacteristically serious face with a napkin and patted Shiki on the back. "Seriously though, I need to get one."

"What's with you?" Shiki said weakly, still shaking off the effects of accidentally inhaling half a milk carton. "You've never shown any interest in girls other than Cie- I mean, you've never shown any interest in girls!" He set down his half eaten lunch and looked Arihiko in the eye. "Did someone put you up to it? You better have a good reason for acting out of character like this."

"No!" his friend retorted, his collected façade breaking as he allowed irritation to seep into his expression. "Look, I've just been thinking, alright? And I figured that a guy like me in his final year of high school should be swimming in babes."

"I don't see it." Shiki grumbled as he reclined on the fence. "Didn't you say all the girls in our school are poisonous? With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder they all hate you. "

"It's a style!" Arihiko protested. "Girls love bad boys, so me acting mean should've made them go after me even more!" He shook his head. "Anyway, don't get off topic. I should be surrounded by girls. By all logic, I should be the most popular guy in school. I'm cool, funny, I've got nice hair, and I'm absolutely ripped. I'm so sexy I sometimes spend a few minutes just looking at myself in the mirror naked."

"I did not need to know that."

"Shut up." Arihiko took a bite of his hastily bought bread, the cheapest kind at that, and spoke again after a few moments. "Point is, I should be popular. But I'm not, and that doesn't make sense. It ain't logical."

"What's illogical about it?" Shiki muttered. "You regularly skip class, your grades are barely acceptable, and you're the definition of a slacker. Not to mention your hair's horrible. No one dyes it anymore unless they're desperate for attention. Plus you're constantly saying creepy stuff all the time, like right now."

"Completely wrong!" Shiki's best friend declared, a grin growing on his face. "It's all your fault!" He triumphantly pointed his finger at Shiki, who just chewed on some rice with an eyebrow raised. "You're the one who's chasing the chicks away. Every other day I'm carting you to the nurse's office, taking away from my badass reputation. What kind of tough guy takes care of a skinny anemic kid with glasses? Of course no one's gonna take a lion seriously if he's got a pet mouse!"

"Your logic operates on the basis that people think you're a badass, rather than that lazy guy who poured ketchup in his hair." Shiki said as he finished up his tiny lunch. "Anyway, assuming that this is somehow my fault, wouldn't it be easier to stop talking to me? No one's forcing you to hang out with me during lunch. Actually, I could probably use a break from having to listen to you talk-."

"Nah, it's too late for that now." Arihiko was all business again, chewing on his bread while he forced his brain to come up with ideas. "You're already known as my friend, so if I abandon you here it'll just make me look bad. No, I'll have to do this with a handicap, namely you."

"Some handicap." Shiki sighed and packed up his empty lunch box. "Okay, fine, assuming your sudden urge to find a girl other than your sister who'll put up with you is genuine, why are you telling me?" He already knew the answer, and as Shiki saw Arihiko's face light up, it became obvious that the redhead knew as well.

"I may not have a girlfriend, but I do have you." Arihiko proclaimed.

"…I'm flattered, but I don't swing that way."

"Shut up, idiot. You're gonna introduce me to a girl." Arihiko said, supremely confident in his plan. "I'm man enough to admit that for whatever reason, your skinny ass is constantly surrounded by girls 24/7 while this hunk of burning love over here's got nothing. Maybe it's a gland or something, I don't know, and I don't care. Either way!" He pointed his finger at Shiki again, and the spectacled boy was suddenly tempted to slice the offending limb into tiny pieces. "My lack of a girlfriend is your fault, so you have to introduce me to one of the girls you know! And don't try to hide it either. I know for a fact that you live with three smoking babes in a giant mansion!"

"You mean the mansion populated by my sister and her two maids?" Shiki grumbled. "This is ridiculous. Are you seriously asking me to introduce you because you want to romance one of them? Someone you've never even met?"

"I ain't asking, I'm ordering." Arihiko said. "You still owe me for getting you out of trouble that one time you puked blood all over the teacher's desk. Besides, I've seen your sister. She's pretty cool, what with that high and mighty lady air she's got going on. A real Ice Queen, that one."

"I still can't believe he bought your tomato juice excuse…" Shiki said. "But Akiha? Are you sure you want to date her? On top of being my sister, she's way out of your league. I mean, if you were a local football team, she'd be Real Madrid on steroids."

"If you're my friend, you'll introduce me to her."

"In that case, I'm not your friend-."

"You still owe me."

Shiki sighed, an action he knew he was going to be repeating very soon, and nodded. "Fine," he forced himself to say. "I'll introduce you, but I'm not guaranteeing anything. Akiha's kinda… particular about her tastes, so don't go blaming me when she finds you disgusting and says no."

"Particular?" Arihiko blinked. "What, is she into girls or something?"

"No!" Shiki said quickly. "I mean, yeah, there was that one time I caught her with her hand up an underclassman's skirt, but no, she doesn't like girls as far as I know."

"I think I like your sister already, Tohno."

"Don't make me cut you." Shiki grumbled. "Now c'mon, let's get back to class. No skipping this time."

Surprisingly, getting Akiha to agree to meet his friend was a task Shiki had little trouble with.

"As regrettable as it is, I no longer have a fiancée thanks to your return to this household," the proud young woman had said. "It has been a while since my last marriage meeting, and I was actually thinking of scheduling one recently. However, Brother, if you have taken it upon yourself to recommend one of your friends for the role, then he must be a truly fearsome person. I would be honoured to meet this friend of yours." Shiki didn't miss the way her eyes lit up as she said those words, or the obviously fake sincerity with which she had said them. But frankly, he didn't care. As long as Arihiko didn't end up his brother-in-law, anything was fine. Besides, it wasn't as if she'd actually like his unruly friend… right?

"Okay, she's in there." Shiki made sure to greet his friend at the door on the promised day. The redhead had arrived dressed up, or as dressed up as someone like him could get. Shiki wasn't sure if Arihiko's hair had been gelled or merely exposed to hurricane level winds for two hours, but it looked even sillier than most anime hairdos, and his school clothes were definitely not formal wear. "She's agreed to meet you, so if you don't screw up, you might get an actual date out of it."

"I didn't think you'd be able to pull it off." Arihiko admitted as he grinned from ear to ear. "But your sister must actually be shy if she's too nervous to even step out of the house when going on a date. Looks like you might even be an uncle in a few years, 'brother'."

Shiki merely smiled. "Don't say I didn't warn you." It wasn't his problem. Some lessons had to be learned the hard way.

As he stepped into the mansion, Arihiko felt the temperature drop at least ten degrees. He shivered, hoping it was just his imagination, but it was as if something was sucking the very life from his body. He quickly hurried to the living room, where Shiki had said Akiha was.

When he opened the door, the temperature dropped even further. Arihiko almost collapsed from the strain of standing, and it suddenly became difficult to breath. He could hear his every heart beat, and a sudden fear gripped his body.

The room, which according to Shiki was supposed to be western in style, had apparently been redecorated. The heavy curtains covering the windows tinted everything with a red light, and the pale woman in a crimson kimono kneeling in the center of the room was the crown jewel in the entire arrangement.

Akiha opened her eyes and examined Arihiko critically. "Typical," she said. "I apologize for the arrangement, Mr. Inui. It appears my brother either neglected to inform you of the proper formality of this meeting or I was too presumptuous. Either way, he shall be reprimanded harshly." The temperature sank even more, and the redhead at the door suddenly wished he'd brought a winter jacket. "Please." Akiha gestured to a cushion placed in front of her. "Sit. I shall pour you some tea."

The boy could only nod weakly and collapse as gracefully as possible into the cushion. "Um, it's nice to meet you?" He tried. As far as introductions went, it was lackluster at best.

"Likewise," the young woman replied curtly, not really putting her heart into it. She took a cup and saucer, and began to slowly pour some light tea into it. "I find myself at a disadvantage, Mr. Inui," she continued. "I feel as if I do not know very much about you, while you know everything there is to know about me."

"Why would you say that?" Arihiko asked, too cold to come up with a proper response.

"Because you are, from what I know, my brother's closest male friend." She looked up as she slowly poured the tea. "Your parents died when you were young," she suddenly said as her dark blue eyes locked onto Arihiko's. "You were raised by your older sister. You suffered nightmares for several years, and they only stopped recently. You used to wet the bed until you were twelve, and met my brother some time after that. According to the teachers at your previous schools, you are a slacker, have below average marks, and are, in the words of your third grade English teacher, 'the reason parents should beat their children more often'." She began to pour a second cup of tea without looking. "Furthermore, it appears that you are one who practices truancy, and have skipped approximately 64% of all your classes this year. Your family has no notable bloodline, your hair looks ridiculous, and apparently you believe that a school uniform can be worn everywhere and still look good on you." Her smile was cold enough to freeze water. "See, Mr. Inui? All I know about you is what the several private detectives I hired to spy on you told me in addition to my own observations, while you, on the other hand, doubtless know of all my secrets, since my brother, according to what he frequently claims, just loves to constantly talk about his beautiful younger sister. Now don't you think that is unfair?" She punctuated her words by sliding a stunned Arihiko his tea cup.

At this point, most men would have soiled their pants and run away. A handful would have instantly realized that they were out of their league and given up, focusing solely on ending the meeting as soon as possible. Only a brave few would have attempted to keep their composure and ride out the meeting to the end simply to save face, while inwardly hoping that Akiha Tohno didn't know about all their secret fetishes. But only Arihiko Inui would be bone-headedly, stupidly stubborn enough to think he still had a shot with his best friend's sister.

With a shaking hand he took the cup of tea Akiha had poured him, and downed it in a single gulp. The unexpectedly warm and sweet liquid brought back some feeling to his limbs, allowing him to ignore his own fear. "Y-You're underestimating your knowledge, miss," he said, trying to keep a straight face. "I think you know quite a bit about me, although some of your information is obviously less than accurate, such as aforementioned… bed-wetting." His tongue tripping slightly over a few uncommonly used words, Arihiko set the cup down. "But Tohno, er, your brother doesn't really talk about you much." Akiha frowned. "B-Because he probably cares for you too much to expose your secrets to the world!" the boy quickly said. Akiha relaxed, and Arihiko did so as well.

"Hm, perhaps," the girl admitted. "But my details, wrong? I could understand that, I suppose, but I acquired several of them from interviewing your older sister. I'd have thought they'd be accurate."

Whilst inwardly cursing Ichiko Inui with every swear word he knew and then some, Arihiko collected what wits he could muster. "Nah," he said, flashing a grin. "That's just an older sibling being a nuisance. You know how they are, don't you? Always going out without telling you, doing dangerous stuff just because they don't want to get you into trouble. It's annoying, ain't it?"

"Yes!" Akiha's face suddenly lit up, and Arihiko felt the temperature return to normal as the girl's cold composure faded. "Brother is always sneaking out of the house at night, even when I tell him not to! No doubt he's going to the red light district or patrolling the city in hopes of killing monsters!" she complained, finally acting her age. "And he always just pats me on the head like I'm a child whenever I try to talk to him about it!"

"Exactly! Sister's always bugging me about getting a job, or finding a girlfriend, and she's always blowing smoke from those damn cigarettes of hers around the house. And when I found this really cool pile driver thing in the river, she made me throw it out!" Arihiko said, finally glad to have been able to find a point of information to talk about. Now he just had to keep her talking…

"Brother is always coming home with wounds, and he never tells me where he got them." Akiha continued. "Why, last week he came home with his nose crooked and his uniform torn, and he told me it was just because he fell down some stairs!" she exclaimed, pouting in a way that made her seem very cute rather than dangerous.

"Oh, he didn't fall down some stairs." Arihiko said, grinning. "I pushed him down a flight of them because he stole my banana bread. Then we got in a fight and beat the crap out of each other. Obviously I won, because he's a skinny twerp and all, but-."

Akiha blinked, and Arihiko felt the temperature rise until it felt like his entire body was on fire. Then she glared at him. "Are you telling me… that you were the one who hurt my brother?"

"Um." Arihiko gulped and put on a shaky smile. "Got you? It was a joke, really! I mean, sure I'm way stronger than him, but it isn't like I get into fights with him every week or anything like that, really! Now if we did hypothetically get into fights every week, it's obvious that I would win all those fights because I'm awesome, but we don't so there's no need to blame me for-."

**"I shall plunder your life, mongrel."**

The last thing Arihiko Inui saw before blacking out was a furious Akiha's hair turning red, and all the warmth and feeling in his extremities vanishing.

"Not the toaster!" Arihiko screamed like a schoolgirl at a scary movie as he woke abruptly. He sat up, letting the bed sheets fall from his shoulders, revealing his undoubtedly manly chest, covered by a slightly charred shirt that he recognized as his.

"What are you rambling about?" Shiki asked from the bedside as he leaned back in his chair and idly tossed a cylindrical object up and down, watching it spin through the air. "Is this an everyday occurrence? If you talk like that every time you sleep I can understand why your sister assumes you'll die alone." He spared Arihiko a glance as he caught the utensil by the tip with two fingers.

"Ugh…" Arihiko clutched his abdomen, ignoring the constant ache all over his body in favour what felt like a black hole where his stomach should've been. "What happened?" he croaked, too tired to spare any witty remarks. "Where am I? Is this heaven?" He looked around as if expecting 72 virgins, but alas, he was still alive and got the consolation prize of one snarky buddy instead. "But you're not sexy…" the delirious boy murmured weakly.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Shiki said without missing a beat. "You're in one of the mansion's spare rooms, having just done the impossible. I didn't think you managed it, but it looks like a miracle really did occur."

"So she's into me!" Arihiko laughed weakly. "I knew it! No one says no to Inui, not even that sister of yours! She's probably already been captured by my charms."

"Oh, she definitely said 'no'." Shiki cut in. "In fact, you could say she said 'no' so hard that you should by all rights be hospitalized at the moment." He slipped the tube into his pocket and shook his head. "I don't know you managed it, but you're the only one I've ever seen who made her so angry and lived to tell the tale. Normally she can control herself, but you must've flipped her switch and then stomped on it a few times, because she's out for blood."

"Ugh…" Arihiko made to stand up as he placed his bare feet on the wooden floor. "Tohno, your sister is one crazy bi-."

"Nope." With a single tap on the forehead the spectacled boy sent his redheaded friend sprawling back into bed. "This one's all you. You're lucky I saved you before you got sent to the next life. So stay here and don't do anything stupid." Shiki frowned. "Thanks to you I had to negotiate. Now I have to accompany Akiha on a day long shopping trip that she's planning on taking immediately, which, again, is entirely your fault, so do me a favour and just stay in this room until I get back, okay? If you need anything, just ask Hisui or Kohaku."

With those words, Shiki quickly left the small room, leaving a still sleepy Arihiko wondering what the hell was going on.

"She was crazy," he told himself, reassuring his bruised pride. "In fact, I probably dodged a bullet there. I'm better off without her." Already thoroughly convinced that everything had gone as well as it could've, Arihiko proceeded to conveniently forget Shiki's warning and rose, throwing open the door so he could explore Tohno Mansion.

Only to run straight into a red haired girl wearing a French maid outfit.

With a small cry, Hisui stumbled back, tripping and almost falling until the startled student grabbed her around her waist, preventing her fall.

"Whoa. Sorry about that." Arihiko grinned as he steadied the maid along with himself.

"N-no, I am at fault here." Hisui looked down and bowed deeply. "Master Shiki told me to check up on you, but I did not expect you to be awake so soon after Mistress Akiha's… tantrum."

"It's fine. I'm pretty tough, so a little sleep is enough to have me up and running." Arihiko said proudly, his spirit not in the least dampened his recent fainting spell. "What time is it, anyway?"

"It is just afternoon, Mister…?"

"Arihiko'll do," he said, looking over the girl before him. "And you don't really need to bow. I mean, I'm Shiki's friend and he never asks you to bow to him, right?"

"Constantly." Hisui agreed, relaxing slightly, although she still hadn't looked up from the ground. "But proper formality must be preserved, Mister Arihiko. In any case, Master Shiki told me to check up on you. How are you feeling?"

"Fine, fine!" Arihiko grinned. "That Mistress of yours is pretty scary, but she's just a lady. I've taken worse from gangsters and muggers." He suddenly winced and rubbed his stomach. "I'm a bit hungry, though," he admitted. "I know I ate just before coming here, but it feels like all my energy's gone."

"Hm. That won't do." Hisui said firmly. "I shall prepare something for you, Mister Arihiko. Master Shiki told me to see to your care, and I shall not disappoint him." Still refusing to look up, she turned in place and marched out the door instantly.

"H-Hey, wait up!" Arihiko ran after her. "C'mon, don't just leave me there! It's boring lying in bed all day. Here, let me tag along. I promise I won't be any trouble."

Hisui paused for a moment then nodded imperceptibly, and Arihiko did a mental dance of victory, grinning as he spotted a new potential conquest. She was being nice to him at least, unlike that absolutely insane sister Tohno had introduced him to, so that obviously meant he had a chance with her! After a second look, it was obvious that all of Hisui's specs were above average, making her a perfect choice. Arihiko Inui prepared for his second turn at bat, knowing that his Casanova skills would be put to the test in the upcoming minutes.

It was actually quite anticlimactic when they arrived at the spacious kitchen and Hisui got to work making food.

"H-Hey, how long have you worked here?" Arihiko asked the first not perverted question that popped into his head, desperate to at least start up a conversation to the girl who hadn't even properly looked at him.

"All my life." Hisui's reply was short. "I came as a child, and stayed as a maid. I haven't left the mansion since then." She lifted up a cabbage and sliced it to bits in an instant with a large knife, then dropped it into a pot of boiling water.

"All your life?" Arihiko blinked. "What, you mean you've never gone out with friends?"

"No." Hisui said. "A few times I ventured outside to go shopping when my sister was sick, but I prefer to stay inside." She grabbed a leg of lamb and sliced the meat off the bone in one motion, dropping it into the pot as well.

"O-Oy, that doesn't sound very healthy." Arihiko said. He looked at the girl before him in a new light. Could she possibly be… a shut-in!? "What about school? Surely you made friends there, right?"

"I was home schooled." Hisui replied. She took a banana and cut it into pieces, peel and all, before throwing that into the pot as well. "I was taught all of the skills necessary to be a maid in this mansion, and thus have had no reason to leave."

"…hey, that ain't right." Arihiko finally said. "That's wrong!" He grabbed Hisui by her shoulders, startling her and causing her to drop the entire wedge of cheese she was holding into the pot. "You can't give up on life like that! You have to live like a human being!"

"But I am a human being."

"You can't stay inside all day, looking at figurines and salivating over Boy's Love anime! You have to interact with other people!"

"I interact with Mistress Akiha, my sister, Master Shiki… and what's Boy's Love?" Hisui squirmed, obviously uncomfortable with being grabbed by a stranger. "Could you please let go?"

"Listen, I know it might feel like there's nothing worth living for, but you're wrong!" Arihiko said firmly, flames sparking in his eyes as his hands tightened. "This world is beautiful! Don't shut yourself off from it! I know that even someone like you can find a place in society! And you have people who care about you! People like-!"

Hisui spun in place, spinning out of Arihiko's hold with movements too quick for him to react to. She grabbed an empty frying pan off the stove and swung, smashing the unfortunate boy in the face with the metal utensil. The impact sent shudders up her arm, and Arihiko stiffened before stumbling back and sinking wordlessly into a nearby chair, holding his head in his hands.

"Ah, my apologies," he heard the girl say. "My hand slipped because I was nervous. Stay here and I'll get you something." Despite her monotone, her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.

"That's not gonna help." Arihiko moaned, his throbbing nose and eye making him feel like he'd gone through several minutes in the ring with Berserker and Kishima Kouma. "Damn, you didn't have to go straight for a weapon!"

"I'm sorry." Hisui repeated. Her voice was as measured and even as always, but she did sound like she regretted her actions. "I dislike being touched by others, so I moved before I could think."

Arihiko moved his fingers and grinned, his face almost perfectly fine save a bit of bruising. Hisui was bowing her head, and he could spot a blush of shame on her cheeks. Success! "It's fine," he lied. "Happens all the time, really. You'd be surprised how many guys just love to go for the face in a fight. Besides, it's really my fault, right? Sorry for calling you a shut-in."

He saw Hisui's blush deepen from between his fingers, mentally congratulating himself on his success. It had been an excellent plan, even from him, and Arihiko doubted he'd ever come up with one that smart again. The combination of guilt, shock, and his selfless words would definitely capture the unattainable maid's heart!

He let his hands fall to his sides and stood up, walking slowly over to the trembling maid. "Don't worry," he said, his voice smooth and gentle. "I know you're feeling horrible right now, but please don't cry. A single one of your tears is worth a litre of my blood." He gently reached out and cupped the small girl's chin with his rough hand, nudging Hisui's head up so that her jade eyes met his for the first time.

"You should look up more often," the man said as he imagined sparkles appearing in the air around him. "Anyone who sees your beautiful eyes would be put at ease. Just from seeing your face I feel rejuvenated, milady, and your tender words have already healed my wounded heart."

Hisui's eyes widened, and her mouth opened. She gazed into Arihiko's eyes, seeing for the first time the man in front of her. His boyish looks, his mischievous grin, his teasing expression. She drank it in, and slowly opened her mouth to speak.

And then she started laughing.

"Huh?" Arihiko blinked as the normally expressionless girl straightened and stumbled backwards, her mouth curved up in a smile, her shoulders shaking from the force of her laughter. She giggled. She snickered. She guffawed. A thousand different facial expressions, each more expressive than the last, each one mocking Inui Arihiko. She clung to the counter for support as her legs threatened to give out from the strain. Yes, Hisui had never laughed so hard in her entire life.

"W-what's so funny?" Arihiko asked , prompting another burst of giggling from Hisui. She finally forced down the uncontrollable laughter for long enough to take a few deep breaths. "C'mon, you're scaring me now." Arihiko grumbled as the carefully built atmosphere crumbled along with any dignity he had left.

Hisui gasped, her insane giggling finally dying down. She let out one last chuckle and looked away from Arihiko, staring at the wall. Although she tried to keep herself stoic, she couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from turning up. "M-my apologies," she said weakly, followed by another bout of laughter. "Y-your face, Mister Inui, it's, ahahahaha!" She doubled over as she caught sight of Arihiko's visage once more, peals of beautiful laughter tearing their way out of her lungs.

"What?" Arihiko made his way to the kitchen mirror and peered into it, trying to see what was so funny. Did he have something in his teeth? Had Hisui really given him a black eye?

No, it was neither of those things. When Arihiko looked into the mirror, the man he saw staring back at him was almost unrecognizable.

A pointed goatee. Shaggy eyebrows. Sideburns that extended all the way down his neck. Spirals drawn in pink on his cheeks, and a circular monocle that extended around one eye. And the crown jewel that completed the image, a gorgeously illustrated curled mustache that would make any dastardly movie villain jealous. A truly classy fellow stared back at Arihiko through the mirror, a reflection gone completely wrong.

All the colour drained from Arihiko's face, leaving his it pale and making the drawings stand out even more. His eyes widened as he remembered the last time he'd seen a permanent marker, and his mouth opened to release an enraged yell.

"TOOOOHNOOOOOO!


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm sorry, Mister Arihiko," Hisui repeated.

"Like I said, it's fine," Arihiko grumbled for what must have been the tenth time that minute. "If anyone should be sorry, it's that damn bastard you work for. I would've forgiven a washable marker, but he just had to go and make this crap nearly impossible to get off." He dabbed at the area around his eye with a wet paper towel, and cursed as the marker monocle remained.

"I'm sure Master Shiki had a good reason for his prank," Hisui said. "And regardless, I should not have laughed like that. It was most unprofessional of me."

"Nah, that's cool too." Arihiko rubbed a bit more vigorously, but the marker didn't show any signs of fading. "You should actually smile more often. You looked pretty cute there."

"…here, try this." Hisui handed the angry boy a bottle of green liquid.

"Dishwashing fluid?" He asked. "Looks ridiculous, but I'll give it a shot. It's better than using bleach or swiping some expensive liquor." He dabbed a bit of fluid onto the paper towel and resumed the rubbing. Within moments, the monocle was gone, taking its classiness with it.

"The food is almost finished," Hisui said from behind him, her voice still slightly shaky. "Are you still hungry?"

"Are you kidding? I could eat a whale," Arihiko said as he wiped off the last of the false eyebrows. He eyed the mustache, and decided to leave it on since it actually kinda classy. Besides, Hisui's laughter was actually nice to hear, as bad as its timing had been. He turned to Hisui and the table, and spotted a steaming bowl of soup, already set up for him.

"Since it was on short notice, I could not prepare anything too extravagant, so I hope this will be enough to satisfy you." Hisui bowed and took a step back, waiting stoically for Arihiko's answer. This time, however, she looked her guest in the eye rather than keeping her eyes on the ground.

"It looks delicious," the boy said. He took a sniff and grinned. "Smells nice too. Looks like I know who makes the meals every day." He sat down and picked up a spoon, watching the rich broth in front of him. He had no idea what Hisui had done to make it look so good, but he didn't care as long as it would fit in his stomach.

"Thank you for the meal!" Arihiko said, and took his first bite.

Also, coincidentally, his last bite.

The world's colours inverted. Sweet became sour, and vice versa. Heat switched places with cold, and the texture on Arihiko's tongue could only be described as a cross between a frog's skin and deflated tire. He trembled as the doom brew washed over his mouth, making its way to his throat with nothing to stop it.

Every muscle in his body locked up, leaving him stuck with a spoon in his mouth and what was starting to feel like lava eroding his teeth. Arihiko Inui had never encountered such a fierce enemy before, and he knew it. The soup wasn't bad. No, calling it bad would be a kindness. It couldn't even be called food, because that would imply that a living being could safely consume it without feeling like they were gargling liquid nitrogen.

It was no less than the worst cooking in the world.

"Mister Arihiko?" Hisui asked, worried. "You haven't moved in a minute. Is there something wrong with the meal? Would you like me to fetch some salt, perhaps?"

Salt!? Salt couldn't fix a concentrated nuclear explosion! It couldn't replace the rotting and decay that his mouth had been exposed to. No, there was nothing Arihiko could do short of spit out the offending food and immediately wash out his mouth with the nearest liquid.

Instead, he turned to Hisui, who looked with a hopeful expression, and swallowed. He then smiled weakly. So this was it, huh? To achieve victory, he'd brave defeat. Yes, he'd be the first one to praise that girl's cooking, thus securing a place within her sheltered heart forever.

"It's delicious," Arihiko Inui said, right before his body shut down once more.

"Oh my, this looks very bad."

"Can you do something, Sister? I don't know what the problem is, but he seems to be in a great deal of pain."

"Oh? You've no idea then? Sounds like a regular mystery. Why don't you put those famed detective skills of yours to work, then?"

"It… was probably Mistress Akiha, Sister. I heard from Master Shiki that he managed to anger her at a meeting, and she temporarily lost control."

"Oh? That's pretty bad for a normal human. But he must have a strong body to have survived her wrath. Was he fine up until now?"

"Yes, he was walking around quite normally. He actually said that he was hungry earlier. Perhaps the effects were delayed, or he was merely pretending."

"Hungry? Don't tell me you prepared him a meal, Sis?"

"It was a small one, yes. Just some soup."

"And did he happen to collapse after eating it?"

"…he said it tasted fine."

"Oh Hisui, you'll never understand a boy's heart, much less how to cook properly if you keep going like this. Just leave it to me. I've prepared for situations like this one."

"You've prepared for someone surviving Mistress Akiha's wrath?"

"No, I've prepared for- ah."

"Sister?"

"Never mind. Yes, I've made preparations for such an occasion. I'd have thought it'd be Shiki, but to think it would be his friend…"

"Very well then, I shall leave him in your hands. Now I really must be getting to work. Master Shiki was so annoyed earlier that he broke another chair, so I'll need to see if it can be fixed."

"Sis, perhaps it would be a better idea if you took care of the rest of the soup first."

"Ah, you're right. It would be wasteful to simply throw it away, so I shall pack the rest into a thermos. You can give it to Mister Arihiko when he wakes up."

"Oh dear."

"Hm?"

"Never mind, it's nothing. Go on, Sis, do your thing."

"...very well."

"…heh, you're really something, Mister Mustachio. If you can survive Hisui's cooking, then perhaps you'll be able to help me with a certain experiment I've been waiting to try…"

"Ooh, my stomach…" Arihiko woke up groaning, clutching his abdomen as if he'd been infected by a chest burster straight from Aliens. "What the hell did I eat?" He pushed down the urge to vomit and forced his eyes open. He was greeted by what looked like a normal girl's room, albeit one populated by way too many brooms, crazy outfits, and antique weapons to appeal to anyone who didn't have a historical cosplay maid fetish. So upon second thought, it wasn't a normal girl's room at all.

"That's not really important." A voice cut over the chiptune music that had been playing in the background. "What's important is that you're still alive, which means my plan worked!"

"Alive?" Arihiko gasped. "Are you saying I could've died!?" He tried to stand up, but immediately fell back down as he discovered his legs had all the strength of rubber. "W-whoa, I don't feel so good." He muttered to himself.

"Yeah, ingesting a table spoon of something that's equivalent to concentrated sulfuric acid will do that to you," Kohaku said. The maid sat on the floor, playing and effortlessly beating a video game that Arihiko recognized from an arcade in his youth. "Don't worry though, it's okay now. It was touch and go for a moment there, but the good news is that you're still capable of fathering children!"

"How the hell would you know that!? Wait, you can't mean-!?" Arihiko yelped and pulled down his pants to check. "Thank goodness, looks like Arnold's okay." He sighed.

"Oh my." Kohaku blinked. "How bold of you."

Arihiko suddenly realised what a terrible idea flashing a maid had been. "Wait, I just needed to check-!" He protested as he hastily pulled up his pants.

"Say no more, I understand," Kohaku replied, a teasing smile dancing around her lips. "That's one of those guy things, right? Is it like how you style your hair to make it look ridiculous, pretend it doesn't hurt when it actually does, and name your genitalia after famous actors/politicians?"

"Not in so many words, but yeah," Arihiko managed to say, thoroughly freaked out.

"Like how you always feel inferior to others, and judge guys by the size of their Johnsons!"

"Well, I suppose that's kinda true."

"And how you're always trying to see who's the biggest whenever you're changing in the locker room at school!"

"Hey, that doesn't really happen outside of manga-."

"And then the smallest one has to dress up like a girl!" Kohaku's eyes suddenly took on a demonic glow. "And then he must service the rest of the boys, all the while being humiliated before the rest of them because he's pathetically small and girly! For the rest of his life, he'll be forced to cross-dress and be used by all his peers as a pleasure slave until he's begging to be penetrated by hard, throbbing-!"

"Life isn't one of your Boys Love manga!" Arihiko cut her off before the description could turn any more graphic.

"You're no fun." Kohaku pouted. "Didn't anyone ever teach you not to ruin the pure dreams of a young woman?"

"The only thing pure about that was the feeling of disgust I got as you said it," Arihiko said, and then winced as he felt a headache building up. "Sorry, I'm not feeling too good. It's like someone's filled my head with cotton or something. You're the other maid who works at Tohno's place, right?" Upon taking a look at her, Kohaku looked almost exactly like Hisui, but the smile on her face made mistaking the two for each other virtually impossible.

"Kohaku at your service, Mister Inui!" Kohaku said cheerfully. She set down the controller in her hands and stood up to do a small bow. "I'm supposed to be referring to you by that constantly, but I'm not as serious as my sister about that kind of stuff. So you can just call me Kohaku and I'll call you whatever pops into my head at the time!" She rummaged a bit in a pile of weapons and pulled out a pill bottle. She tossed Arihiko a red pill. "Here, it should help with your headache."

"Thanks." Arihiko immediately swallowed the medicine. "You certainly seem the most… laid back person I've seen here other than Tohno himself," he admitted. "No offense, but that Lady of yours is scary."

"Just a bit," Kohaku said. "You get used to her eventually though."

"And why has no one told your sister that she can't cook? Seriously, whatever she made should be analyzed at a lab and used as a replacement for battery acid."

"Hey, you can't trample over a girl's dreams!" Kohaku protested. "My cute, beautiful sister dreams of one day making an excellent meal for Master Shiki and having him praise her for it!"

"You know that's never going to happen, right?"

"It's the thought that counts!"

"Hah." Arihiko sighed, finally allowing himself to relax as the pain in his head faded. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're the only normal person I've met all day."

"That's sweet of you to say, but aren't you making an unwise assumption?" Kohaku giggled. "What if I'm just as… unique as Lady Akiha and my cute little sister?"

"It's the antique weapons, isn't it?" Arihiko guessed. "You're probably obsessed with ancient history or something!"

Kohaku blinked. "Well, I suppose that's true in a way. But I also do plenty of other stuff, like-."

"And you love to cosplay!" Arihiko continued, guessing even further.

"I suppose," Kohaku admitted. "I do like dressing up…"

"I bet you force that sister of yours to dress up when no one else is around, then you take pictures of her and threaten to spread them onto the internet if she doesn't do what you want!" Arihiko's imagination suddenly spiralled out of control, and the boy suddenly found himself speaking without thinking. "And you've already leaked photos of her onto the internet, giving her a debut as a net idol known by thousands!"

"Who's the one having graphic fantasies now?" Kohaku lightly rapped the perverted guest on the head with her broom, feigning anger. "No, those clothes are only for me, and occasionally Lady Akiha whenever she's feeling adventurous. Most of the time I just play video games. And I'd certainly never expose my cute little sister to the internet!"

"Oh right, video games." Arihiko scratched his head. "I was just having trouble fitting video games into a household where everything's so prim and proper that I completely forgot about 'em."

"We can't all be 'Milady' this and 'Master' that, y'know," Kohaku said as she booted up some Street Fighter. "Now c'mon, I know for a fact you play because Shiki's always complaining about you being better than him whenever I rope him into playing me."

Arihiko grinned. "I'll have you know that in my youth I was known as Misaki's Arcade Terror. With nothing more than spare change I could top every machine in the city. Are you sure you can handle what I've got?"

"Fufufu, we shall see," Kohaku said. "Now let's play!" Kohaku tossed Arihiko a controller, and the two redheads both got ready to kick some virtual ass.

Thirty minutes later, as Arihiko lay crying in a pool of his own tears, Kohaku finally decided she'd had enough. "That was fun, Mister Inui," she said easily. "You're much better than Shiki, that's for sure."

"It's impossible." The boy muttered, his eyes staring unfocused into the distance. "No human can make moves like that. The combos, they were everywhere! I didn't even know you could cancel into that!"

"You flatter me," Kohaku chuckled. "Really, I just practice once in a while, whenever I have some time off."

"The world championships," Arihiko continued. "No, you belong in the galactic championships!"

"Here, try some tea," Kohaku said. "Although as the loser, you really can't say no." She poured two cups and set them on a short table pulled up from the corner of the room. Upon seeing Arihiko's suspicious glare, she smiled. "Don't worry, I prepared this batch. My cute sister had nothing to do with it. And I'm also the one who regularly cooks dinner, so the taste is guaranteed."

"I guess it's okay then," Arihiko said, having already accepted his loss. He straightened and took a cup of the warm, dark tea. "Is this Western? Doesn't really look very familiar."

"Just a little blend I came up with on my own." Kohaku said, taking a very tiny sip from her own cup. After a moment of hesitation, Arihiko did the same. "It's specially designed to aid in relaxation. I figured that after everything you've been through, you deserve it."

Arihiko murmered a quick "Thank you" and quickly took another, larger gulp. Almost immediately he felt himself relaxing as the warm tea spread through his body. "Ahhh." He exhaled slowly, sighing as all the pain in his body was replaced by a warm glow. "That feels much better."

"How much better?" Kohaku asked, replacing her cup with a clipboard. "Do you feel lazy, tired, or sleepy? Can you still move all your limbs?"

"Eh?" Arihiko cocked his head to the side. "I'm fine. Sure I was tired a few minutes ago, but this tea of yours is pretty good. I feel as right as rain! Good enough to fist fight a hundred punks and still come out on top!"

"Hm, interesting." Kohaku made a few notes on the keyboard. "Okay, now what do you get when you multiply 4 by 5?"

"20," Arihiko said, his eyes unfocused now. "20 hamburgers. I could totally use 20 hamburgers right about now."

"Okay… how many fingers am I holding up?"

"How many eyes do you have?"

"Don't you be getting snippy, Mister. Now what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?"

"D," Arihiko said, his voice slurred. His mouth curved into a goofy grin and extended his hands. "D cups. Hehehe." His hands groped the empty air, and a bit of drool fell from his mouth "No, double Ds! The best kind!"

"Oh my." Kohaku couldn't stop herself from smiling at the sight. "That's definitely an unexpected side effect, but at least you're still capable of being logical. Now then, Mister Inui, what's your relation to Tohno Shiki? Do try to be coherent this time."

At this, Arihiko frowned and stopped his embarrassing air grope. "Tohno, that idiot," he mumbled, his head nodding forward. "Always getting me into trouble. I'm always saving his ass and carrying him to the nurse's office whenever he pukes blood everywhere. I should beat the crap out of him but he's always doing his stupid ninja shit and jumping around all over the place so I can't even land a decent punch half the time."

Kohaku tilted her head to the side. "Why are you friends with him if you hate him so much?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I don't hate him. The guy can be downright chill sometimes," Arihiko said, slurring his words slightly. "He's probably talked me out of more shitty ideas than I can remember. Couldn't talk me outta this one though."

"My, my, you certainly aren't holding anything back." Kohaku smiled. "Now that I know this is working, why are you here?"

"Because I heard that Toho's sister was hot," Arihiko mumbled. "And I thought I could, like, capture her heart or some shoujo shit like that." Yes, for whatever reason, his words were nothing but the truth. "But damn that girl's crazier than a Trekkie at a Star Wars convention. I ain't touching her with a ten foot pole." He suddenly burst into a fit of giggling. "Yeah, not even my ten foot pole."

"Note to self: Joke making skills drastically reduced while under the influence," Kohaku noted. "Okay then, what were your intentions towards my cute little sister, Mister Playboy?"

"She was pretty cute, yeah," Arihiko admitted. "On top of having a decent body, that maid outfit hits all the fetish points. It's like she's made to attract creepy dudes or something. I thought I'd maybe chat her up, get her number or something. She's definitely a nine out of ten, probably the hottest girl I've talked to since… since who?" At this point, he was lying on his back, staring at the patterns on the ceiling and… ceiling… Ceiling… Ciel!

"Since?" Kohaku asked.

"Ciel! I just remembered!" Arihiko blinked wildly. "Hot damn, he she was nice. I mean, on top of being a nice upperclassman and making a mean cup of tea, she had the best damn ass I ever saw."

"Uh-huh. I think that's enough," Kohaku said, having lost interest. "You can stop now. I'll get you something to erase your memories and you'll be fine in a few hours. Just wait right there."

"And damn, that ass was good." Arihiko had started with the air groping again, this time even more vigorously than before. "I mean, holy shit, it's like it was a miracle of the universe or something. You haven't seen heaven until you've caught a glimpse of that butt. That one rapper dude hit the nail straight on the head."

"Okay, please stop talking," Kohaku said, now thoroughly annoyed. "Is the drug still unrefined? I thought I'd nailed the dosage earlier…"

"She has some serious junk in her trunk, if you know what I mean," Arihiko, now almost catatonic, continued to mumble. "Aw man, I really miss you, Sempai. You didn't have to just vanish like that. I was totally gonna steal your heart! And that sweet-!"

"Fuck this," Kohaku cursed, no longer even pretending to be cheerful. "Just stay here and I'll get the antidote right now. I doubt you're even capable of anything other than sitting there and spouting your ridiculous sexual fantasies, but try not to expose my sister to them, okay?" She slipped out of the room, leaving Arihiko to continue fantasizing in peace.

As soon as the door closed, Arihiko's arms dropped and he had to grab on to the couch to stop himself from falling over. "Ugh." The boy's head didn't hurt anymore, but in exchange, the feeling of fuzzy cotton in his brain had multiplied. He forced himself to his feet, still barely able to stay balanced.

"Crazy," Arihiko muttered weakly, a string of drool still falling from the corner of his mouth. "This whole place is full of crazy people." He staggered over to the window and wrenched it open, his suddenly blurred vision making it difficult to see the fine details of the latch.

A cool breath of fresh night air blasted Arihiko in the face, blowing away his sleepiness. He looked down, making out a dimly lit backyard full of trees and fallen leaves. For once, he was glad it was autumn.

Were Arihiko more lucid, he most likely would never have gone through with his insane idea. But with his brain running on an extremely unhealthy blend of drugs, Hisui's cooking, and Kohaku's magic ingredients, it seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

"Yahoo!" Arihiko shrieked as he tumbled face first out of the window, stoned out of his mind and careening towards the ground two stories below, waving hello to the dozens of tiny magical elves that had crawled out of the leaves just to greet him.

"Here's your change, sir." The man handed his latest customer a few coins and a scrap of paper and slid another bowl of freshly made ramen forward.

The spectacled boy retrieved the money and took a moment to say "Thanks for the food." Immediately afterwards, he proceeded to eat his food like a man who hadn't eaten in weeks, accompanied by the gentle sound of sizzling meat and the comfortable buzz of the streets at night.

"Wow, you're really digging in," the chef commented, pleased to see a customer enjoying his food. "You're already on your third bowl but you haven't even slowed down."

"This is good ramen, and it is a shame I cannot eat slower and enjoy it more," the boy replied between bites. "Alas, I'm being forced to hurry because my friend is waiting outside and the longer he wanders around, the larger the chance of him getting in trouble gets. Besides, I haven't had the chance to eat actual meat in ages. It is only here, on a school trip, that my first opportunity has appeared."

"Heh, then help yourself, kid." The chef deposited a few extra strips of sliced pork into the boy's bowl. "Don't worry, it's on the house."

"Thank you-." Before the boy could finish conveying his gratitude, a grubby hand pushed aside the curtain of the ramen booth and a second boy levered himself onto a stool, moving like a broken puppet.

"Ramen, please," the newcomer said, his voice slurred and almost incomprehensible. "Actually, make it two of the biggest thing you serve. Hold the maids." His face was relatively clean, but his clothes and red hair were stained with mud and leaves, and the marker mustache above his lips would've raised eyebrows had the rest of him not been so grubby.

"Of course. Two bowls coming right up," the chef said warily. While he could instantly tell the boy was going to be trouble, as a professional it was beyond his ability to refuse. "And there are no maids in this establishment. If you wish, there is a maid café down the road."

"No!" The redhead stiffened and almost fell off the stool before righting himself. "I mean, no maids. Please. Thank you," he said, stumbling over his words. He reached into his pocket and dropped a wad of messy but miraculously whole bills onto the counter.

"It'll be only a minute." The chef took the money, slid back the change, and turned around to begin preparing more food.

A minute passed. The soggy redhead stared ahead, not moving an inch while his eyes swayed to and fro, focusing on the chef's back, the kitchen utensils, the untouched change before him, and finally, the person sitting next to him.

The redhead blinked. "Tohno?"

The spectacled boy looked up, his mouth full of noodles. "Hm?"

"Tohno, you bastard!" The redhead's expression morphed into one of anger. "You told me you'd be with that demon sister of yours, but here I find you relaxing and enjoying the old man's ramen? That's low, even for you!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," the target of Arihiko's words said, bemused. "You must be mistaking me for someone else, because I am not this Tohno you speak of. And is that a mustache on your face?"

"Don't try to get smart with me, Tohno!" Arihiko cut him off. "I'd know that smirk of yours anywhere. You abandoned me in that mansion full of crazies without even a warning! And that 'mustache' of yours completely ruined any chance I had with bagging that hot maid!"

"I-I'm not smirking," the other boy insisted. "I'm not even smiling! Are you blind? And furthermore, you're being very coarse-."

"Hah, says the one who has to rely on those nerd-makers just to tie his shoes!" Arihiko shot back. "I can see just fine, Tohno, enough to see that ugly grin on your pompous face. Think you're better than me, eh? How about we take this outside then!?" Arihiko grabbed the other boy's lapels, bringing their faces closer.

The other boy blinked as he noticed the dull emptiness in Arihiko's eyes. "You… you're on something, aren't you?" he said, actually alarmed now. "Please let go. If it's money you want-."

"Money can't fix my broken soul, Tohno!" Suddenly, Arihiko's anger faded, only to be replaced by grief. "You could've warned me! You could've told me that you live with a bunch of lunatics, but you let me get sucked into it all! What kind of friend are you?"

"I… I'm sorry?" The spectacled boy said, hesitantly.

"Sorry ain't gonna cut it!" Arihiko continued, tears now streaming from the corners of his bloodshot eyes. "Apart from that monstrous sister of yours, one of your maids tried to kill me with poison and the other spiked the fucking tea! These girls are demons, demons I tell you!"

"D-Demons, you say?" Rather than being even more intimidated by Arihiko's words, the spectacled boy paused. "Well, I did warn you, didn't I?"

Arihiko let go of the other boy's shirt and slumped on to the counter. "Yeah, I guess," he mumbled weakly. "But you shouldn't have agreed to introduce me to your sister if you knew how crazy she was! I took five steps in there and she was already sucking the life outta me!"

"That quickly!?" The other boy recoiled. "I didn't think my… er… sister was such a horrible person! I knew she was a demon, but to think that it's gotten to this point…"

"You don't even know?" Arihiko chuckled. "That ain't even the half of it, Tohno. That one maid you have? The one that's super quiet and creepy? Well she was real eager to offer me food, so I said yeah, and guess what happened!?"

"She poisoned the meal?"

"Poision!? Hah!" Arihiko suddenly burst into insane laughter for a few seconds before suddenly becoming deathly quiet. "Tohno, what she gave couldn't be called food. After only one bite of that shit it felt like my stomach had been turned into a black hole."

"Oh my." Arihiko's companion seemed truly worried now. "In that case, you'd better eat up. Here, the ramen's arrived. I'll pay for any seconds you might need. We need to get some meat in your stomach before that monster's poison kills you!"

"Heh, that's more like it. And here I was thinking you didn't even care." Arihiko paused to take a large gulp from the newly arrived food before him. "Ah…" He sighed. "Yeah, that's the stuff. Thanks, pops. It's excellent as always."

"Of course." The chef nodded. "But do take care, Inui. You've come in here roughed up before, but if you don't mind me speaking frankly, you look like you've been through hell."

"I have," Arihiko said after finishing an entire bowl within a minute. "It… it was horrible. I'd thought the first maid was bad, but the second one was even worse! She slipped me some sorta wonky tea that had me seeing fairies with double Ds for half an hour."

"This really is bad," the bespectacled boy said. "I'll have to, uh, discipline them immediately once I get home!"

"You better!" Arihiko agreed. "Fuck, and to think I thought she was hot, too."

"Wait, what?" The other boy blinked. "You… desired them? Carnally?"

"Well duh." Arihiko grumbled. "Don't you remember me bugging you to set me up with your sister? Biggest damn mistake I ever made, that's for sure. Anyway, what's with the fancy language, Tohno? You don't have to be so damn uptight here. It's not like you've still got your sister with you or anything."

"Inui… listen to me," the redhead's companion said, perfectly serious. "This is a sign. A sign from the gods! It is a lesson that has been taught to you! A message that you have received from the heavens themselves!"

"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?" Arihiko asked, half way through his second bowl.

"It means that dating isn't for you!" the other boy said triumphantly. "Don't try to go out with anyone until you're an adult, for all the women around you are demons waiting to suck out your life! No, instead you should do something productive, like joining a club. I bet the Student Council is in need of members."

"Heh, y'know, you might actually have a point there- What the hell!?" Arihiko dropped the half empty bowl on the counter and leapt off his seat, screaming and pointing at his friend, or more specifically, the area behind his friend. "Behind you! It's a ghost!"

"Huh?" Said ghost ran a hand through his red hair and tilted his head, bemused. "Issei, who's this guy? He doesn't look like he's in his right mind."

"Er, well, I can explain," the bespectacled boy stammered as he quickly rose from his seat.

"Tohno, run!" Arihiko gasped. "It's one of those things! Doppelgangers! It's like in that story, where if two identical people meet, one of them will die!"

"But we look nothing alike," the doppelganger pointed out. "My hair isn't dyed like yours, for one."

"It can talk!" Arihiko shivered and backed up slowly. "Tohno, don't tell me you're siding with that faker!"

"Well, um, yes," the spectacled boy said. "And sorry for the deception, but I have no idea who you are and I suspect that you might seriously need to get your eyes checked."

"Oh god, it's already replaced me." Arihiko almost choked as he spoke. "This… this is the end, isn't it? I'm going to die now, aren't I? I'm going to be replaced, and then the Body Snatchers are gonna take over the world, aren't they? Is that your master plan!?"

"Look, I think you should calm down." The doppelganger approached, its blurred face nearing Arihiko's own. "You're delirious. Here, we'll take you to the hospital."

"No!" Arihiko screamed. "You'll never take me alive, faker!" He yelled, gathering up bravery he didn't know he had, and charged his doppelganger, tackling the twin out of the ramen stall and into the cold street.

A second later, the doppelganger got to his feet, leaving the sleeping Arihiko on the ground, snoring like a baby. "That was probably the most anticlimactic fight I've ever been in." He admitted.

"Emiya, you didn't need to hit him that hard," Issei said, slightly disappointed. "He's been subjected to the whims of a trio of demon women. Rather than being angry, you should pity him for what he's been through."

"I didn't even do anything!" the redhead protested. "He hit his head against the ground and knocked himself out."

The two stared for a moment at the fallen boy. "Er, do unconscious people snore?" Issei asked.

Emiya shrugged. "How would I know?"

"Hey, are you two going to get rid of him or what?" The chef asked from inside the ramen booth. "I can't have that guy chasing away visitors all night."

Emiya sighed, looked at the fallen boy, and shrugged. "I guess we can't just leave him there," he admitted. "Where does he live?"

A week later, Shiki found himself on the roof again. As he chewed on a sandwich, Arihiko opened the door and sat down next to his friend, not saying a word as he took out a piece of stale bread and began to eat it as if it was made of solid gold.

That is to say, very painfully.

"I have no idea how you can eat that stuff," Shiki said, not even bothering to glance at his friend.

"It's not that bad, actually," his friend admitted after spending an entire minute struggling to swallow a lump harder than concrete that would probably have been better off outside his body. "I've certainly eaten worse."

"Oh really? When?" Shiki asked, skeptical.

Arihiko grinned. "Last week."

"Ah."

"Uh-huh."

The two friends at in silence for a few more minutes until Shiki spoke once more. "So, are you still looking for a girlfriend?" he asked.

"Nah, it can wait," Arihiko said as he finished off his lunch. He forced himself to swallow the last bite and his stomach protested, but he ignored it. "I'd decided to be a bit more mature about this. Going around hitting on every cute girl that passes by is only a recipe for disaster."

"Maturity from you? If that's what it takes to get you to learn your lesson, I should introduce you to my sister more often," Shiki said as he crumpled up the wrapper for his meal and tossed it backwards over the roof's fence, where it fell several stories before landing conveniently in a garbage can.

"Try it and I'll introduce you to mine," Arihiko warned his friend. "Now I'll admit your sis is pretty protective, but she's never raided your closet and replaced all your porn with National Geographic magazines. And thanks to you she thinks I'm dating some rich girl with a stalker fetish."

"Your fault, not mine. I don't have that kind of- whatever," Shiki grumbled. "This isn't a contest to see who's little sister is more paranoid. Besides, the last thing I need is another older woman who thinks I'm cute."

"Another? Dammit, Tohno, are you trying to make me jealous?"

"I'm not trying," Shiki said, in between gulps of canned orange juice. "It's your fault you're easy to tease. I recall a guy who used to actually make me think of what to say before speaking, but now a good old verbal spar with you is like beating up a little kid."

"Now you've said it," Arihiko growled and walked backwards to the center of the roof, where he raised his fists. "C'mon, then, if it's a fight you want it's a fight you'll get! I still need to take revenge on you for last time!"

Shiki sighed and got up leisurely, putting his hands in his pockets. "This really isn't good for my anemia," he complained, but was otherwise silent as he approached Arihiko.

"If you collapse, I'll toss you into the nurse's office," the redhead said. "Hell, I might even decide to cash in on all the favours you owe me for all the times I've had to haul your skinny ass there." He clenched his fists and dug his back foot into the ground, preparing to dash in.

"I may be weak, but I'm more than strong enough to break your nose." Shiki finally allowed himself to smile as he bent his knees, his hands still sheathed within his pants pockets.

"We'll see whose nose gets broken afterwards!" Arihiko yelled and surged forward, putting all of his pent up energy into a single punch, as Shiki charged too. Despite it seeming like a horrible fight, both of the combatants couldn't help but grin.

Arihiko swung with a haymaker that would've knocked his spectacled friend out cold, but Shiki merely lowered his head and dashed right under the swing. The force ruffled his hair, but little else.

"Shit!" Arihiko cursed and tried to pull back, but he had overextended and allowed Shiki within his defenses. The fight was already over before it had even begun.

The dark haired boy pulled a hand out of his pocket, a sturdy tube clutched in it. He brought it up, smoothly tracing a dark line across Arihiko's face with the familiar weapon, a line only he could see.

Time resumed.

The redhead collapsed face first onto the ground, and Shiki straightened opposite his unfortunate foe. "It's done." he said. "Don't get carried away, monster." He spun the weapon in his hand and straightened his glasses with the other.

"The hell's with that edgy bullshit!?" Arihiko sputtered as he rose, clutching his face. "You bastard, what did you do? I thought we weren't using weapons!"

"Nothing," Shiki chuckled, tossing the tube towards Arihiko, who managed to catch it with one hand. "Hisui said she enjoyed talking with you last week, so I'm just going to recreate those conditions and hope they somehow stop women from running away from you. Aren't I a swell friend?"

"Don't tell me…" Arihiko stared at the object in his hand with wide eyes. "You didn't-?"

"See you tomorrow," Shiki said as he pulled open the door to the stairwell. "And stay classy."

"Stay classy?" Arihiko blinked, and looked at the permanent marker in his hands.

He looked towards the door, not understanding.

Then he looked at the marker again, and recognition finally dawned upon his most gentlemanly visage. Arihiko's fake bristles trembled, his immaculately curved marker mustache shivering with anger as he finally realised his familiar predicament.

"TOOOOHNOOOOOO!"


End file.
